Welcome to the fifth edition of Lotte's Main Highlights: Key Moments from Recent Weeks. After a whirlwind of activities over the past few months, things are finally settling down as I quickly approach the Christmas break. It’s been a relatively quiet couple of weeks on my end, but here are the main highlights:
DYSPHORIA SPIKES
In the past couple of weeks, I’ve experienced some intense dysphoria spikes, and in those moments the only option was to retreat to my bed and sleep for a while to regain some stability. I plan to write more about these experiences soon, but at least now, I’m feeling good and in a better place emotionally.
BLACK NAIL POLISH IN PUBLIC
I’ve always loved black nail polish, and for as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to wear it in public. It’s something I’ve longed to do, but never had the courage to fully embrace, except for one time when I went to see the band Placebo live. But now, I’m finally taking that step. This Saturday, I’ve booked an appointment at a beauty salon to get my nails painted with black gel polish.
I’m already feeling a mix of nerves and excitement, knowing that once they’re done, they’ll draw both positive and negative attention. I’ll need to carry myself with confidence and be ready to weather any storms that come my way.
My wife knows I’m getting them done and that I plan to go public with them. I can tell she’s not entirely comfortable with it, especially when it comes to how it might be perceived at my workplace. She’s worried about the reactions there, but she hasn’t told me I can’t do it. In a way, that feels like its own kind of permission.
Wish me luck!
I’m already feeling a mix of nerves and excitement, knowing that once they’re done, they’ll draw both positive and negative attention. I’ll need to carry myself with confidence and be ready to weather any storms that come my way.
My wife knows I’m getting them done and that I plan to go public with them. I can tell she’s not entirely comfortable with it, especially when it comes to how it might be perceived at my workplace. She’s worried about the reactions there, but she hasn’t told me I can’t do it. In a way, that feels like its own kind of permission.
Wish me luck!
MY PERFUME OBSESSION CONTINUES
It all started one Saturday morning a couple of weeks ago while out walking with my sister. We were making our usual trip into town for coffee at Costa when we happened to pass by the 'Superdrug' store. She mentioned they had some perfume sample bottles on display, so naturally, we wandered in. A few of the scents immediately caught my attention, and I knew I’d be back to buy the ones I’d fallen for.
True to my word, I returned a few days later and left with two perfumes: Sweetheart by Ghost and Daisy by Marc Jacobs, exactly the ones I’d loved when I first smelled them. But I wasn’t done yet. The next day, I picked up Promise by Jennifer Lopez, a fragrance I already owned in a small bottle but wanted to replenish, and Flash by Jimmy Choo, another one I’d sampled and liked.
Speaking of replenishing, I’ve been using the Jimmy Choo perfumes my daughter gave me quite a lot, the Jimmy Choo EDT and Blossom. Not wanting to run out, I repurchased both of those as well. Later that week, while in Boots picking up what I thought would be my final perfume purchase for a while, Fever by Jimmy Choo, I ended up splurging on not one, but two additional perfumes.
True to my word, I returned a few days later and left with two perfumes: Sweetheart by Ghost and Daisy by Marc Jacobs, exactly the ones I’d loved when I first smelled them. But I wasn’t done yet. The next day, I picked up Promise by Jennifer Lopez, a fragrance I already owned in a small bottle but wanted to replenish, and Flash by Jimmy Choo, another one I’d sampled and liked.
Speaking of replenishing, I’ve been using the Jimmy Choo perfumes my daughter gave me quite a lot, the Jimmy Choo EDT and Blossom. Not wanting to run out, I repurchased both of those as well. Later that week, while in Boots picking up what I thought would be my final perfume purchase for a while, Fever by Jimmy Choo, I ended up splurging on not one, but two additional perfumes.
How?
Well as I stood in line to buy the Jimmy Choo fragrance, I noticed a few tester bottles from well-known brands nearby. On a whim, I grabbed a paper strip to test one of the scents. In the process, I accidentally sprayed some on my hands too. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but as soon as I stepped outside and the breeze hit me, I was hit with the fragrance again. With no one around, I realised it had to be the perfume on my hands. Instantly, I was captivated. The scent was so alluring that I turned right back around and headed back into Boots.
The store was about to close, but luckily, the woman behind the counter agreed to serve me. I explained how I’d smelled the sample earlier and instantly fallen in love with it when I caught another whiff outside. Upon closer inspection of the tester bottle, I realised it was Si by Giorgio Armani. I asked her about the price, and she told me the cheapest bottle was £70. At that moment, with tunnel vision, I decided to go for it, splashing out on two bottles, one for myself and one as a Christmas gift for my wife, who, by the way, was already receiving three other bottles of perfume from me in her stocking.
The store was about to close, but luckily, the woman behind the counter agreed to serve me. I explained how I’d smelled the sample earlier and instantly fallen in love with it when I caught another whiff outside. Upon closer inspection of the tester bottle, I realised it was Si by Giorgio Armani. I asked her about the price, and she told me the cheapest bottle was £70. At that moment, with tunnel vision, I decided to go for it, splashing out on two bottles, one for myself and one as a Christmas gift for my wife, who, by the way, was already receiving three other bottles of perfume from me in her stocking.
NANO BROW PROCEDURE UPDATE
You may recall that I recently made enquiries about a Nano Brow procedure. Well, a week ago today, I attended a thirty minute consultation with a lady named Elaine at Define PMU in Chester, which I had booked online.
I did my best to explain what I was hoping for, a more feminine eyebrow shape, tidy and well-defined. Elaine suggested I bring in some pictures to help show exactly what I had in mind. I also told her I valued honesty above all else, if she felt that what I wanted was unattainable or not suited to my features, I’d rather hear it straight.
During the consultation, Elaine was incredibly kind and complimentary. She mentioned how well the shape of my face works for the procedure, especially my jawline, soft skin, and lovely blue eyes. She also told me I already had good eyebrows to work with, which was reassuring to hear.
We discussed the procedure in more detail, most of which I already knew, having done extensive research. I expressed my concern about it looking too dark or too noticeable, and we talked about color options. Elaine suggested an ash grey for my eyebrows, given my hair and skin tone, as it would be the most natural-looking choice.
Part of the procedure involves mapping the brows and drawing the shape beforehand, so I would have a chance to see it clearly. Only if I was happy with the shape would she proceed with the nano brow procedure.
The decision ultimately comes down to trust. And right now, I’m still 50/50 about going through with it. There's a part of me that’s excited about the possibility of finally achieving the eyebrows I’ve longed for—my feminine side is really pushing for it. But there’s also hesitation, the fear that the outcome might not meet my expectations, or worse, that it could feel too permanent, or even look awful.
I haven’t discussed it with my wife yet, and I’m sure she will have her reservations, especially considering the risk of it not turning out as planned. This is a big step, and I want to be sure I’m making the right choice, for myself and for those around me.
As someone said on the Crossdressers.com forum, maybe I’d be much safer with a pair of tweezers and an eyebrow pencil.
I did my best to explain what I was hoping for, a more feminine eyebrow shape, tidy and well-defined. Elaine suggested I bring in some pictures to help show exactly what I had in mind. I also told her I valued honesty above all else, if she felt that what I wanted was unattainable or not suited to my features, I’d rather hear it straight.
During the consultation, Elaine was incredibly kind and complimentary. She mentioned how well the shape of my face works for the procedure, especially my jawline, soft skin, and lovely blue eyes. She also told me I already had good eyebrows to work with, which was reassuring to hear.
We discussed the procedure in more detail, most of which I already knew, having done extensive research. I expressed my concern about it looking too dark or too noticeable, and we talked about color options. Elaine suggested an ash grey for my eyebrows, given my hair and skin tone, as it would be the most natural-looking choice.
Part of the procedure involves mapping the brows and drawing the shape beforehand, so I would have a chance to see it clearly. Only if I was happy with the shape would she proceed with the nano brow procedure.
The decision ultimately comes down to trust. And right now, I’m still 50/50 about going through with it. There's a part of me that’s excited about the possibility of finally achieving the eyebrows I’ve longed for—my feminine side is really pushing for it. But there’s also hesitation, the fear that the outcome might not meet my expectations, or worse, that it could feel too permanent, or even look awful.
I haven’t discussed it with my wife yet, and I’m sure she will have her reservations, especially considering the risk of it not turning out as planned. This is a big step, and I want to be sure I’m making the right choice, for myself and for those around me.
As someone said on the Crossdressers.com forum, maybe I’d be much safer with a pair of tweezers and an eyebrow pencil.
TRANS: WHEN IDEOLOGY MEETS REALITY
A BOOK BY HELEN JOYCE
A BOOK BY HELEN JOYCE
I’m not sure how, but until yesterday, two names I had never heard of were Helen Joyce and Helen Webberley. I came across the following video on YouTube, and wanting to understand the gender debate more clearly, I set aside some time to watch it in full:
My initial thoughts after watching this debate were fear. For the first time, I felt frightened about how others might perceive me, especially in regard to my gender dysphoria and the exhausting spikes that leave me torn, wanting to escape, but also not wanting to escape.
I also felt vulnerable about how others might judge my decision to explore micro dosing as a way to manage my gender incongruence and ease those dysphoria spikes. It wasn’t so much about questioning my own authenticity, but more about the fear of others doing so and possibly labelling it all as a mental illness. That left me feeling misunderstood and, above all, deeply unsettled. If that makes sense.
One of my concerns after watching the debate was Helen Joyce’s tone when discussing those with gender dysphoria. It seemed as though she was reducing it to some kind of mental illness, which left me feeling alienated and anxious. However, I’ve since learned that she does express compassion for those who experience gender dysphoria and struggle with the condition.
I also felt vulnerable about how others might judge my decision to explore micro dosing as a way to manage my gender incongruence and ease those dysphoria spikes. It wasn’t so much about questioning my own authenticity, but more about the fear of others doing so and possibly labelling it all as a mental illness. That left me feeling misunderstood and, above all, deeply unsettled. If that makes sense.
One of my concerns after watching the debate was Helen Joyce’s tone when discussing those with gender dysphoria. It seemed as though she was reducing it to some kind of mental illness, which left me feeling alienated and anxious. However, I’ve since learned that she does express compassion for those who experience gender dysphoria and struggle with the condition.
In an effort to better understand Helen's critique of trans ideology, I’ve ordered her book, which is set to arrive tomorrow.
GROWING MY HAIR OUT - AN UPDATE
There's not much new to report on the hair front, it's growing, albeit at a slow pace! At this point, I can manage to gather the top into a small top knot, and even pull the back into a tiny ponytail. Progress!
This Saturday, when I get my nails done, I'm planning to chat with one of the hairstylists at the salon. I'd love to show her a couple of photos of the hairstyle I'm aiming for and see if she can offer any advice on how to get there. Ideally, I'd like to work with her over time, visiting periodically for trims and styling to gradually shape my hair into the look I'm envisioning.
That said, I'm not sure there's much that can be done just yet, as I still don’t think my hair is long enough to achieve the style I’m after. But I’m hopeful that with a little patience, I’ll get there!
This Saturday, when I get my nails done, I'm planning to chat with one of the hairstylists at the salon. I'd love to show her a couple of photos of the hairstyle I'm aiming for and see if she can offer any advice on how to get there. Ideally, I'd like to work with her over time, visiting periodically for trims and styling to gradually shape my hair into the look I'm envisioning.
That said, I'm not sure there's much that can be done just yet, as I still don’t think my hair is long enough to achieve the style I’m after. But I’m hopeful that with a little patience, I’ll get there!
In the meantime, I’ve been treating my hair to some products to keep it looking fresh and tidy. Right now, my go-to hair care ranges are Aussie "Oh My Gloss!" and TRESemmé "Keratin Smooth." They've quickly become my favourites.
Thanks for reading,
Lotte x
I'm sorry you've had these bad bouts of dysphoria, Lotte. They're very unnerving. I'm glad you've got supportive family round you.
ReplyDeleteExciting about the nails, brows and perfume (Wow, your household must smell fantastic. How do you avoid scent clashes? lol). People at work will ask you why you had your nails done so prepare a reason: "I felt like it" is good enough.
As for the Joyce book and "the trans debate", I wouldn't pursue this line any further if I were you, not with your dysphoria. You do not "debate" people unless you are a eugenicist or a Nazi. You debate government/council policy, whether your team will win the cup with its latest lousy signings, whether this perfume clashes with that. Honest people do not debate whether disabled people should have a right to exist or whether they would be better off dead "for their own good", whether Jews are subhuman and Aryans a master race, whether black/poor people should have human rights and so on. We've already been there and the consequences were horrific. Nor do you "debate" trans people. The point should be: trans people exist, let's find out why and how they can lead comfortable lives; not: these people are dangerous scum, let's eradicate them from society and treat their "mental sickness" through brutality and abuse. Humane people do not debate people. The violent transphobes are out in force now because the UK has been dominated by the xenophobic right wing since the Brexit vote and that is one of the reasons I moved abroad. Being trans involves no ideology, it just is what it is. Transphobia, however, is entirely ideological, akin to racism, and the hypocrisy is therefore brazen. If I were you I'd concentrate on helping yourself feel comfortable within yourself and seeking out the support of other trans people like you rather than listening to haters, at least for now.
Sue xx
DeleteSue, Thank you so much for your kindness and for taking the time to write such a thoughtful reply. I really appreciate the care behind your words.
Please don’t worry, I’m not concerning myself too much with Helen Joyce now. I bought the book largely out of curiosity rather than any desire to engage with or internalise those arguments, and I’m very aware of the need to protect my own wellbeing, especially when dysphoria is close to the surface.
You’re absolutely right that this isn’t something to be “debated” in the way people often frame it, and I found your clarity on that both grounding and reassuring. For now, I’m focusing on feeling more comfortable in myself and leaning into supportive spaces and people, which is what actually helps.
And thank you too for the lighter moments, the nails, brows and perfume really are small joys, and “I felt like it” is indeed reason enough. 💜
Lotte x
Good luck with the nails. I hope all goes well and they help push back on the dysphoria.
ReplyDeleteAs to the book.... given the interview is from The Times, I would be highly surprised there's anything positive for trans folk in it. That have a strong track record of platforming TERFs. Please, be wary of those views getting into your head. That's plenty of excellent trans books - and by trans & inclusive writers - that may bring a more positive experience.
Lynn, Thanks so much, I really appreciate your good wishes about the nails. I’m definitely hoping they’ll be another little boost in the right direction.
DeleteAnd please don’t worry, I won’t let those views get into my head or have any sway over how I feel about myself. I picked up the book more out of curiosity than anything else, and I’m being mindful about what I let into my space right now.
I am interested in reading more from trans and inclusive writers, though, so if you have any suggestions for books that you’ve found positive or helpful, I’d be really grateful for recommendations. Always happy to build a supportive reading list! 💜
Lotte x
Lotte, sometimes I swear we are living parallel. Dysphoria spikes, nervous excitement around nails, perfume rabbit holes.
ReplyDeleteAnd your hair... Totally get it. I think I'm juuust coming out of that awkward stage. (Also, I forgot about the article! I drafted it, but never finished. Will correct that soon.)
It does appear that way Michelle x I look forward to your finished article too x
DeleteHope the nails go ok with your work. I haven't painted mine in ages, I kept breaking them on the car 😂
ReplyDeleteInterested to hear how your brow shaping goes, I did the tweezers and eyebrow pencil thing. Not a lot left of the outer part of mine now due to that.
Izzy x
Thanks Izzy x Do you think you'd consider the Nano Brow procedure?
DeleteI'm glad to hear that you are in a better place after your dysphoria moments. I can't get away with wearing perfume, but I love it. It's just so feminine.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with Sue about the book. These type of people have opinions about us that range from genocidal through to feeling sorry for us because we are poor mentally ill men suffering from delusions. What none of them accepts is that gender is not a binary thing for everyone. And they would happily drive us out if society. It will get better, but before it does, I'm afraid it's going to get worse. It's much better to surround yourself with those who accept us, and to avoid the poison these people peddle. We don't need to debate if we have the right to exist in society. We exist. Figure out a way to include us without prejudice or bigotry, and let everyone be a full part of society. And that shouldn't be open to debate.
Dee xx
Thanks Dee. I hear you too regarding the book. I was just curious to hear her take on things.
DeleteHope you're feeling better lately x