Butterflies on My Skin:A Permanent Tribute to My True Self Part 2

Following up on Butterflies on My Skin: A Permanent Tribute to My True Self, I’m excited to share that last Friday, I finally had my tattoo done at Design 4 Life in Liverpool.

Here’s a little recap of the day…

I woke up early, eager to get the day started. It was a running day, so with my tattoo appointment set for midday, I decided to tackle my 10k first thing. The gym was quiet, and I was home by 10am, with plenty of time to enjoy a bowl of Ready Brek, a couple of rounds of toasted sourdough, and a mug of coffee before a quick shave and shower to prep for the day.

As I was getting ready, my wife mentioned that my daughter had decided to tag along. I hadn’t asked her to come, mainly because I wasn’t sure how long the tattoo session would take and didn’t want her to be bored. But I was more than happy for her to join, and suggested that we could grab something to eat afterwards.

It’s only a five-minute walk from our house to the local train station, and from there, it’s about a 20-minute journey into Liverpool Central. We arrived just before 11:40am, and after a quick 5-minute walk up Lime Street, we reached the studio with 15 minutes to spare.

 

 

Taya

As soon as I walked in, I immediately recognised the tattoo artist, Taya, who would be working on my design. Back in mid-October, when I was first considering who to trust with this meaningful tattoo, I had come across her photo on the Design 4 Life website. There was something about her presence that made me feel she’d be someone I’d be comfortable with. After browsing through the gallery of her work, I was confident she’d be the right person for the job.

I walked up to her and casually said, "Hi, I think you’re doing my tattoo today."
"Ah, the butterflies," she replied, immediately putting me at ease.

She then asked me about the size and placement. Originally, I had planned for the tattoo to go on my right side, but as I explained to her, I already had a tattoo on that side, and I’d decided I’d prefer this new one on my left side instead. That meant she would need to flip the design I’d sent her by email, but she was completely on board with the change.

my original design

how I envisaged it would look with the original design

 

design flipped to go on the left side instead

 

With the design flipped, we began discussing size and placement. I didn’t want the butterflies to be too small; I was aiming for something that would closely match the image I’d created, showing how it would look on the body. She had printed out the design in two different sizes, and when she held up the first one to my body, I felt immediately happy with it. That was the size we decided to go with.

 

While she got things ready upstairs in the studio, we settled onto the couch downstairs in the waiting room, and I began filling out the consent form required to proceed. Luckily, my daughter was with me because I’d forgotten my glasses and couldn’t make out the small text on the tablet. With her help, I managed to get the online form completed. As I sat there waiting for Taya, I couldn’t help but reflect that this was the same spot where I’d had my first tattoo done over 15 years ago. I remember it being a hot day, and I almost passed out a couple of times, probably because I hadn’t eaten before the appointment and was a little too nervous. This time, I came prepared as my daughter had bought me a few bottles of Lucozade Energy Original to keep me fuelled.

 

I didn’t have to wait long before she was ready, so we headed upstairs into the spacious, open-plan tattoo studio. We made our way to her work area, and I settled onto the massage table, getting comfortable and preparing for the session. The spot I’d be lying in was perfect, right by the window. As I lay back with my head propped up on a towel, I had a clear view in front of me, watching the pigeons flutter in and out of the building facade opposite.

As I recalled my first tattoo experience, I knew it wouldn’t be pain-free, and Taya confirmed this, mentioning that it would likely be more painful than my last one. I figured the pain would be due to the area, it seemed like it might be more sensitive than my shoulder. She jokingly asked if I was sure I wanted to go through with it, but by then, there was no turning back.

She then asked what had inspired me to choose butterflies, to which I replied, "Ah, it’s a long story." Initially, I thought I’d leave it at that, but then I added, "If I’m being totally honest, it’s because I want to express my inner feminine self." She just smiled, but as I stood there, for a split second a wave of self-hatred swept over me. 

Here I was, 52 years old, with a gut, man boobs, and hair stuck in the awkward stage of growing out, miles away from the long, soft hair I had always pictured myself with. In that brief moment, the weight of gender incongruence and dysphoria was suffocating. I hated what I saw in the mirror, felt trapped in a body that didn’t reflect who I truly was inside. For that split second, I wished those feelings would stop, wished the dysphoria could end once and for all. But even as I felt that exhaustion, I knew I didn’t want to stop this journey. I wanted to be more feminine, to embrace it fully, no matter how difficult the path.

Before I could dwell on it any longer, Taya began the outline of the first butterfly, pulling me back into the present moment with the sharp discomfort of the tattoo machine doing its work. 

LIKE DRAGGING HOT NEEDLES OVER YOUR SKIN

I remember someone once telling me that getting a tattoo feels like someone dragging hot needles over your skin, and I have to agree with them for the most part. At times, it wasn’t too uncomfortable, and I could barely feel it. But then there were moments when it really hurt, and I had to focus on my breathing to manage the pain.

Eventually, the outline of the first butterfly was done, and Taya moved on to the next one. The good news was that this butterfly was smaller than the first, but the bad news was that its position made it even more painful. The top butterfly turned out to be the most painful of the lot, but before long, the outlines were complete, and she moved on to the shading.

Pain-wise, the shading on my last tattoo didn’t seem as bad as the outlining, but this time, at certain points, the shading was just as painful, something I assume was due to the area.

You’ve probably heard the saying, "Time flies when you're having fun," but I wouldn’t exactly call a tattoo session "fun." That said, the time did seem to pass quickly, and before I knew it, Taya was done. Now, for the first time, I got to see my new ink, and I was genuinely happy with how it looked:

 
photo taken by Taya when she had finished

Despite the pain, every moment was undeniably worth it. Taya was not just skilled, but also incredibly warm, friendly, and gentle, which made the experience feel far more personal. Her presence made a significant difference, and I felt truly taken care of throughout the session. As a small gesture of my appreciation, I gave her a £10 tip.

Looking at my new ink, I was reminded that this wasn’t just a tattoo. It was a physical manifestation of something deeply meaningful to me, something I had embraced after years of reflection. In that moment, I realised I hadn’t just chosen the right artist for the job, I had chosen someone who could help me mark a new chapter, a permanent expression of my inner self.

SOMETHING TO EAT,

A PERFUME HUNT AND WINDOW SHOPPING

By the time we left the tattoo studio, it was around 1:45pm, and both my daughter and I were definitely hungry. My daughter had been a trooper, sitting beside me the entire time, quietly watching as Taya worked her way through the design, slowly bringing it to life.

I know she’s mentioned before that she’d like to get a small tattoo of her own, something to remember her Nan by. I hope seeing me go through the process didn’t put her off too much. If anything, I hope it showed her the meaning behind a tattoo, the way it can be a deeply personal, almost transformative experience.

 

We decided to walk over to the Lime Kiln, a Wetherspoons pub on Fleet Street, near Concert Square. My dad first introduced me to this spot, and I’ve always liked it because it’s a bit off the beaten path, making it quieter and less crowded than the other Wetherspoons. It’s not far from Lime Street, and I’d say it took us about 10 minutes, tops.

 

We ordered both ordered the Chicken Tikka Masala, rice, naan bread and a side bowl of chips each and my daughter got a small pizza for us to share.  Drinks wise I opted for a pint of alcohol free Guinness and my daughter had a glass of coca cola.

 

It was while I was there that I had my first gender dysphoria spike of the day. It was triggered by the waitress who kept passing by our table. The moment I noticed her, it was her long, champagne-blonde hair that first caught my attention. It flowed softly, styled in a way I admired deeply, luxurious and effortless. Strands of darker colour peeked through the blonde, and as she walked past, her hair swayed gently in the breeze.
 

an AI image of the Wetherspoons waitress

But it wasn’t just her hair. It was the way she was dressed, too. A deep forest-green oversized woollen sweater paired with a short leather-like skirt, black tights, and ankle boots. The outfit was perfect, simple, yet elegant. Each time she walked by, I could feel a flutter in my stomach, an emotional pull I can’t fully explain. There was a sharp, almost painful longing inside me.

All I knew in that moment was that I would have given anything to be dressed like that, to feel the breeze move through my own long hair as I walked.

 

Wetherspoons food used to be great, but lately, it seems to have lost its edge. The meal was warm, but certainly not piping hot. I can’t say I truly enjoyed it, but since I was hungry, I made do. After two pints of Guinness, I was ready to explore some shops.

  

First stop was Zara at Liverpool One. I was on the hunt for their 'Twilight Mauve' perfume, a scent I’ve grown quite fond of. If you remember, a while ago I managed to rescue a bottle when my daughter was clearing out her bedroom. That bottle has nearly run dry, so I was eager to find a replacement. Thankfully, Zara still stocks it, and I was able to grab a fresh new bottle!

 

I always enjoy shopping with my daughter, we both share a passion for fashion. While we were in Zara, we came across a couple of gorgeous dresses. Both were beautiful, but while my daughter was drawn to the darker coloured one, I couldn’t take my eyes off the silver one.

 

After leaving Zara, we made our way to Pandora, where my daughter wanted to check out some charms for her bracelet. She was hoping to find a moon-shaped charm as a keepsake to remind her of her Nan, who passed away a couple of years ago. We had a good look around, but unfortunately, she didn’t find anything that caught her eye.

 

As we left Liverpool One, the rain started to pour, and with no coat on, we made a dash for St Johns Shopping Centre. It was my daughter’s idea to head there, and knowing the fashion delights and glamorous outfits that awaited, I was more than happy to follow her lead.

 

I've always loved St Johns Shopping Centre. As a teenager, I'd often tag along with my mum while she shopped for outfits and heels. I vividly remember being captivated by the black patent heels on the shoe racks. There was something undeniably alluring about them, those classic heels, with their sleek shine and timeless appeal, they always drew me in.

 

 

We visited every shoe shop in the shopping centre, and seeing all those heels, I could have easily spent an absolute fortune, but not today. Besides, I’m running out of space for even more shoes! That said, I couldn’t help but be drawn to those patent YSL Tribute Platform dupes, especially in all those bold, vibrant colours.

 

There’s a shop in the St Johns Shopping Centre called Storm, and for years, I’ve felt an irresistible pull whenever I’m there. It’s like stepping into a treasure trove of the kind of fashion I’ve always adored. Sure, some of the styles are a bit too youthful for me now, but that doesn’t stop me from being completely in awe of what’s on display, lace dresses, sequin hot pants, cropped tops and shorts sets, glittery halter neck dresses, metallic leggings…the list goes on. I could easily spend the whole afternoon just wandering through that shop.

 

With all the clothes and shoe shops visited in St Johns, we headed back to Central Station.  On the way there was jus enough time to pop into Boots in Clayton Square and check out the expensive perfumes, makeup and nail polishes.  There were a few perfumes that I really liked, I noted their names and I also got to check out the DKNY 'Be Delicious' perfume which I'd ordered the day before from the Boots near to my place of work.  

 

'Be Delicious' and 'Twilight Mauve' are supposed to be very similar fragrances and it's even said that 'Twilight Mauve' is a dupe of 'Be Delicious'.  I can confirm they do smell very similar which means I can keep the Zara perfume for everyday and use the DKNY perfume for more special occasions. 

 

We always love stopping to look at nail polishes whenever we spot them on sale, and in Boots, they had a great selection of brands, including some really gorgeous Barry M glitter-effect polishes. All five of those polishes are to die for, but I especially love 'Good Time Green.' After a good mooch around the store, we left empty-handed and were soon on the train back home.

 

TATTOO UPDATE

 

 On Sunday evening I took another photo of my tattoo and had a good close look at it:

 

 

After taking some time to reflect, I’m overall very pleased with how it’s turned out, though I’m trying not to focus too much on the fact that the bottom butterfly’s wings aren’t perfectly symmetrical, as they were in my original design.

Also, the butterflies seem to be missing the shading around them that was in the original. Maybe that’s something I can discuss with Taya. While I think they look fine without the shading, I do wonder if adding it would make them stand out a little more. 

Finally, here’s a zoomed-out photo so you can see the exact placement of the tattoo. Please excuse the love handles, clearly I still need a few more months on the treadmill as well as continuing to watch the calories:

 

Thanks for reading,

 

Lotte x