Lotte's Main Highlights:Key Moments from Recent Weeks

Wow, almost a month since my last blog post! I didn’t mean to be away for so long, but I got distracted. I tried a few times to write something, but I kept putting it off, hoping to have something meaningful to share.

I also feel bad for not replying to those of you who left comments on my last few posts. My sincere apologies, not just for not responding, but for being absent and neglecting to visit your blogs. I genuinely hope to catch up with all of you now that my distraction has passed. I hope you’ve all been keeping well too. As for me, the last month has had its ups and downs, something I imagine many of us who experience gender dysphoria can relate to.

My lowest moment came just a couple of days ago. I saw a before-and-after photo on a trans person's Instagram profile, one taken before they started transitioning and the other three years after beginning HRT. The difference hit me hard. I could feel my heart racing and my stomach churning, and I was left teary-eyed. 

Photo courtesy of Kizzy B

https://www.instagram.com/kizzy_wizzle

Admittedly, the change wasn't solely due to hormones; they'd also had facial surgery. Nevertheless, it affected me deeply. I often find myself drawn to profiles like this, looking through their before-and-after photos with a mixture of admiration and deep envy.

I sent the photo to my sister on WhatsApp with the message, "It's hard to describe how I feel when I see photos like these." She replied, "I can imagine. I was chatting to my close friend about you yesterday, and she thinks the same as me. She thinks you should be living the life you desire, and not be put back in the naughty box. Xx."

Lately, I’ve been experiencing more frequent bouts of anxiety. I suppose it comes from watching time move on while I feel like I’m standing still, realising I’m ageing and haven’t yet become the “real me.” During these episodes, my heartbeat often quickens, my stomach churns, and I sometimes find myself unexpectedly weepy. In those moments, my mind drifts to imagined versions of the past and the future, particularly a life where I transitioned earlier, where I could have experienced feminising hormone therapy, facial feminisation surgery, and breast augmentation. These thoughts bring sadness and regret, and at their worst, they make me feel like I don’t want to be here at all.

Thankfully, these waves eventually pass, though the pull to become my true self never fully leaves. I try my best to set it aside and focus on everyday life, but it’s always there in the background, quiet, persistent, and difficult to ignore. I think about transitioning daily, though with a wife and children, it’s all the more complicated.

At 52, I sometimes worry I’ve left it too late. Not in the sense that it isn’t possible, but in wondering what it would realistically mean at this stage of my life. For me, this has never been about simply changing clothes or altering appearance. It feels deeper than that, about genuinely looking more female, and aligning how I appear in the world with how I feel inside.

That path, if I were to take it, would likely involve hormone replacement therapy, and possibly procedures such as facial feminisation surgery or breast augmentation. These are not small or casual considerations. They carry emotional weight, financial cost, and a long process of change and adjustment. It would not be a quick transformation, but something gradual and deeply personal.

Alongside the practical realities, there are fears that are harder to quiet. I worry about how I would be seen, whether I would ever be read as female, or whether I would always exist in a space of ambiguity, open to misunderstanding or ridicule. The idea of being perceived as “a man in a dress” is one I struggle to shake. I also worry about my own reflection, whether I would ever feel comfortable in what I see, or whether there would always be a sense of distance between who I feel I am and what is reflected back at me.

And yet, despite all of this, the desire does not fade. It isn’t fleeting or superficial, it returns steadily, asking the same question in different ways. What would it mean to live more authentically as myself, and what is the cost of not doing so?

For now, I remain in that space between reflection and decision, trying to understand something that refuses to disappear, and learning how to sit with uncertainty while I work out what it truly means to be me.

 A DISTRACTION AND SOME TEMPORARY RELIEF

I’ve found a temporary distraction, something that helps ease the dysphoria and something I genuinely enjoy. I’ve always loved art and fashion, so lately I’ve been combining the two and using Instagram as a platform to display my work.

I’ve been using AI, and I know its use can be controversial. In my case, though, it has become a form of therapy for my gender dysphoria. It doesn’t make the dysphoria disappear, but it does help me navigate day-to-day life a little more easily.

Let me explain...

It all started when I was experimenting with Copilot using an old photo of myself wearing an outfit. You probably know the one, the photo of me in the grey jumper dress with I L♥VE FASHION across the front. I asked the AI to transform the image into a watercolour painting for me, and that simple experiment sparked an idea.

What if I could reimagine some of my fashion concepts and share them on Instagram? More than that, it would give me a chance to see myself wearing some of the clothes I’ve collected over the years, many of which are currently packed away in storage, and some of which I’ve never had the chance to wear at all. 😞

So that’s what I’ve been doing, immersing myself in something that helps me stay in a “happy” place, even if only for a little while.  Hopefully, that will explain my absence from the blogging scene and you'll be able to forgive me for me not visiting your blog if you have one.

STALLED

It’s been over three years since Dad passed away, and since then I’ve struggled to find motivation for even the simplest things. Tasks that once felt routine can now feel exhausting, and some days just getting through the basics takes more effort than I ever imagined.

There are other layers to it as well. I haven’t heard from my son in three years. Most of the time, life carries on and I manage as best I can. But every so often, the thought of him hits me like a freight train, sudden and overwhelming, bringing a wave of worry and sadness. Not knowing how he’s doing, whether he’s safe, or how he’s navigating everyday life as a trans person weighs heavily on my heart.

MORE INK

With no makeovers or photo-shoots planned this year, the main highlights of the year will probably be new tattoos. I already have a few ideas in mind, and most of them will feature butterflies similar to the ones I had done last year.
 
Yes, I’ll admit it, I’ve definitely caught the tattoo bug, and one tattoo was never going to be enough. Even my wife has commented that I’ve well and truly been bitten by it.
 
But it’s about more than decoration, particularly the butterflies. As I’ve mentioned before, their delicate, unmistakably feminine nature carries a profound significance for me as I navigate gender dysphoria. They aren’t just beautiful, they’re a way to connect with and honour a part of myself that feels essential and deeply personal.
 
The tattoo I originally wanted most, butterflies on my neck, is something I’ve had to rethink, as my wife isn’t a fan of neck tattoos. I still plan on getting those butterflies, but with a different placement so they remain more private and out of sight. At the moment, I’m thinking of having the design flow from my arm up onto my shoulder and across my chest instead.
 
I’m also planning another butterfly piece on my stomach, this time on the opposite side. The design will include a delicate branch dotted with cherry blossoms, paired with two graceful butterflies. I want it to feel soft and feminine, a blend of nature, movement, and subtle colour.
 
Then there is a stylised pin-up character that will go on the opposite thigh to where I got my transgender logo tattoo.  This will be a a vibrant cartoon pin-up figure in a glossy pink strapless, dress, long black gloves, and high heeled thigh boots, rendered with rich shading and a playful, confident pose.

I'd love to share my tattoo designs with you, but for now, I'm keeping them under wraps until I get them done.
 
I’ve talked through these tattoo ideas with my wife and she’s given me the green light. Of course, tattoos aren’t cheap, so I’ll need to save carefully while also making sure we continue spending quality time together and enjoy some weekend breaks away too. 

This Saturday, my wife and I are heading back to the tattoo studio. She’ll be getting a tribute tattoo in honor of her late father, and I’ll be getting a wrist tattoo of my own. I designed it myself, inspired by a Depeche Mode song, and it incorporates one of their iconic logos. Once I’m inked, I’ll share it here.

NAIL POLISH IN PUBLIC - AN UPDATE

So I took the plunge and starting getting BIAB (Builder in a Bottle) when getting my nails done at the salon.  Last Saturday was the third time having them done with BIAB and I must say I'm loving them more than the gel polish I had been getting previously.  They seem so much smoother and they're stronger too so the black gloss polish is holding up much better.  Application-wise, it’s almost the same, except that with BIAB, they apply the BIAB base coat before adding the colour.

As my nails grow out, a small gap gradually appears at the base where the BIAB no longer covers the natural nail, a completely normal part of any BIAB manicure. It's a subtle sign that my nails are growing and that it's time for a fresh fill. I can usually go up to four weeks between appointments, but by then they've often grown quite long and a start to look more feminine.

There is a new girl at the salon and she's only young and still learning but I've let her do my nails twice now.  If I'm being honest they're not perfect but they're good enough to keep me in my 'happy place'.  We have a good natter whilst she does them and I always give her a decent tip at the end. On my last visit my wife accompanied me and all three of us ended chatting about all things beauty.

One bugbear I've had for a while is that, ever since I started going to the salon, my cuticles have never been done, even though I know most places include that as standard. I mentioned it this time, and the new girl said she’d take care of them on my next visit. She didn’t do on this occasion though, since I was getting a BIAB infill.

Can you believe I’ve been wearing black gloss on my fingernails for over five months now? It’s become the norm, and these days nobody really bats an eyelid.

This Friday I’m getting my toenails done as well, and I’ve been driving my wife mad debating whether to go for black gloss or a French polish. It was a tough choice, but I’ve settled on black gloss. I’ll let you know how I get on with them.

I’m not going to my usual salon for this appointment, I’m trying one of the Chinese-run salons instead. My wife gets her nails done there, and the finish is always spot on, so I’m keen to see how the black gloss turns out with them.

I’ve been toying with the idea of getting my nails done there regularly if the finish is ultra-smooth. Don’t get me wrong, my usual salon has done a decent job so far, but I’m a bit of a perfectionist. If the result is absolutely perfect, I might start going there instead.

That said, I’m a bit torn. I’m loyal and don’t want to stop going to my usual place, even though I’ve occasionally left and later noticed one or two small imperfections. Anyway, we’ll see, let’s see what the toes are like first.

GROWING MY HAIR OUT - AN UPDATE

Hair pic from this morning turned into a watercolour

I’m currently going through the infamous awkward stage with my hair, but it’s slowly getting longer. Some days I catch my reflection in a mirror or shop window and think, yes, it looks good today. Other times I see myself and wonder what on earth I’m doing.

The truth is, I’ll keep going despite the doubts, because it’s something I need to do. When I wrote ‘need’ just then, it made me pause and think about the CBT framework of needs versus wants. But the more I sit with it, the more I realise this isn’t really a simple want or need in that sense, it’s more about aligning with something that feels important to me and consistent with how I want to present myself.

From a CBT perspective, it’s less about necessity and more about values-based choices: doing something because it feels authentic and meaningful, even when it comes with moments of uncertainty along the way.

I can see progress, but it still feels a million miles away from the hairstyle I want so badly:

An AI image I got ChatGPT to create showing the hair I want so badly!

 

One of the small pleasures I’ve found in having longer hair is walking on a breezy day and feeling the wind move through it. It’s hard to explain, but it brings a quiet sense of comfort, like a small alignment between how I feel inside and something physical I can actually experience. 

 

One of the small pleasures I’ve found in having longer hair is walking on a breezy day and feeling the wind move through it. It’s hard to explain, but it brings a quiet sense of comfort, like a small alignment between how I feel inside and something physical I can actually experience. Lately, it’s started to bounce off my shoulders as I walk, lifting and settling with each step. It’s a subtle sensation, but one I’ve become more aware of, something simple, but grounding, as I move through the day.

HAIR REMOVAL  - A PENDING APPOINTMENT

I've made enquiries about waxing at the salon where I usually get my nails done, and I’ve now received the pricing details. The treatments would cover my torso (chest and stomach), arms, back, and full legs, or perhaps I should just call it a full-body wax, lol.

I’ve been advised to trim the hair beforehand to help minimise discomfort, and they’ve even recommended the best day for me to come in. I was also reassured that everything can be done in a single appointment, which makes things much easier. I’m planning to book my session within the next week or two.

I’ve spent way too long thinking about getting waxed, and I’m so glad I’m finally going for it, body hair is the worst!

DIET AND FITNESS - AN UPDATE

It took a bit of time but finally I've got back into a regular running routine.  It was a bit stop and start at the start of May as I had to take time out to let my tattoo heel.  Then when I started running again I opted to run outdoors instead of on the treadmill.  Unfortunately my choice of footwear, which had been fine for the treadmill, but not for outdoors, meant I ended up having Achilles tendinitis and had to rest even longer.  

Anyway footwear changed, as you can see below, I've managed to get back up to 8km runs:

 

recent running distance (km)

 

As you can see below, my total running distance for May was lower this year compared to last. However, I did match last year’s total for the final week of May, which feels like a win. Heading into June, I’m back to a regular running routine and optimistic that I’ll be able to match the monthly totals I achieved from June to December last year:

running distance totals per month (km)

In the last week of May last year, I weighed 112 kg, and by December I had dropped to around 93 kg. This year, I started the final week of May at 102 kg, and after just one week of running and careful dieting, I’m already down to just under 100kg. If I keep up the momentum, I’m hoping to be under 90 kg by December.

 

Diet-wise, I’ve gone strict again. I’ve cut out all the usual “naughties” and stopped eating bread, with one exception: poached egg on toast every Sunday morning. That’s my little reward for staying disciplined throughout the week. During weekdays it's a light healthy lunch and salad for tea, same as last year.

 one of my evening salads

BACK IN THE GROOVE 

It’s been a busy and reflective month, getting back into running, keeping up with my diet, planning new tattoos, growing my hair, experimenting with art and fashion, and finally taking steps toward things I’ve been putting off, like waxing. Life still has its ups and downs, but I’m slowly finding my rhythm again and carving out little moments of happiness and self-expression along the way. Later today, I’ll be catching up with the blogs I follow and reconnecting with all of you, which I’m really looking forward to.

Thanks for reading, 

Lotte x