The first time I came across Nikki’s Instagram profile, something inside me stirred. Her photos were full of colour and life—beautiful makeup looks, confident poses, and the kind of artistry that immediately made my stomach flutter. I admired her skill, especially the way she used eyeshadow shades so effortlessly, blending and experimenting with colours I’ve only ever dreamed of trying.
It was more than appreciation. It was a mixture of emotions—excitement, envy, admiration, and regret—all tangled together in a way that left me both inspired and unsettled.
THE ACHE OF MISSED CHANCES
Envy is often painted as ugly, but mine wasn’t cruel. It was a tender, aching envy—the kind that comes from seeing someone live a life you always suspected was waiting for you too. Her photos reminded me of the opportunities I missed, the time I spent hesitating, and the chances I didn’t take when I was younger.
I sometimes think about how different things might have been if I had experimented with makeup in my early days of cross-dressing, taken photos, and captured the joy of those moments. Instead, I held myself back. That regret still stings, and sometimes it feels like I’ve missed out on years I can’t get back.
WHEN THE ACHE FELT TOO HEAVY
There have been times when the frustration and sorrow felt overwhelming—when the weight of regret made me wish the pain would stop. I don’t say that lightly: sometimes I have thought about dying simply to end the hurt. Naming that truth is frightening, but it’s also honest. Those moments are part of the story, and they remind me how real the loss and longing have been.
INSPIRATION AT 52
But here’s the part I didn’t expect: after sitting with the ache, I began to feel something else—possibility. Even at 52, I realised it’s not too late to explore, to experiment, and to have fun with makeup. My recent makeover proved that with a little effort, I can still look good. That experience was more than just a transformation; it was a reminder that beauty, play, and joy aren’t bound to youth.
Nikki’s photos sparked that realisation. They reminded me that I don’t have to keep mourning the past. I can create something new, right now.
A MESSAGE TO NIKKI
After being so moved, I actually sent Nikki a message on Instagram to ask if I could mention her in this post. I wanted to share just how much her photos have meant to me. They overwhelm me at times because I so deeply wish I could look as pretty as she does. But it’s not infatuation—it’s admiration. I admire her natural beauty, her femininity, and the way she expresses herself through makeup. So often her looks reflect the image I’ve always wanted to see in the mirror when I’m dressed.
And yes—sometimes I ache to be young again, to pour my energy into cross-dressing properly, to master the art of makeup application the way she has. But even in that longing, there’s something valuable: it proves how much I care, how much this side of myself matters, and how much beauty I still want to bring into my own life.
MOVING FORWARD
I know regret will always be part of the story. But now, when I see Nikki’s photos, I don’t just feel what I’ve lost—I also see what I could still gain. I can try a new shade of eyeshadow. I can take photos, even if no one else sees them. I can allow myself the fun, playfulness, and creativity I denied for so long.
CLOSING THOUGHTS
Sometimes, the beauty we see in others reflects the beauty we’re still capable of creating for ourselves. Nikki’s natural femininity and makeup artistry have reminded me of that. Looking at her photos awakens the ache of missed chances, but it also shows me that some beauty is still within reach, even now.
At 52, I may not be starting at the beginning, and perhaps I’ll never master makeup the way I once wished I could. But I can still honour that longing by giving myself small moments of expression and play. Each experiment is a quiet act of healing—a way of stitching together the past I wish I’d had with the present I still have.
And maybe that’s the most important part: that I’m finally willing to take those steps, one experiment at a time.
Thanks for reading,
Lotte x
If Envy is the knife sharp FOMO; is Regret the disappointed poet, dreaming of what might have been? 🤔 I'll get my coat 🙃
ReplyDeleteI think... looking back can be though on you, depending on how you're looking back. What I mean is, to focus on what might have been, that feels tinged with regret. But, to look back and see how far you've come and what you've decided to change now, that might be more positive.
FWIW, in a culture that has narrow views of beauty - young, thin, pretty, white, etc - to go your own way and pursue settle - in or out of the mainstream - that might give us all more space 🩷
Wise words as usual Lynn, thanks for commenting 🙂
DeleteI have to admit Nikki's images are wonderful and her artistry is something to behold. She is an inspiration, and that really is the point, an inspiration for you and her followers, but we all have our journeys, our paths that we must take. We can look back and morn what could have been, but I believe life goes along at it's own pace, we are just here for the ride, things happen for a reason, you can't change what has gone before, but you can learn from it. You are today because of what you were yesterday, it's just the way life evolves, but remember beauty comes from within, you might not be as good with eye makeup as Nikki, but you will find what suits you and what makes you feel beautiful....
ReplyDeleteMore wise words, thanks for commenting Andrea 🙂
DeleteNikki's beauty, femininity and artistry are breathtaking. I can see why you admire her and are inspired by her. I can fully understand your regret about your lost opportunities when you were young. I had them too. When I dressed as a teenager, it was in the late 1970s and the early 1980s. And I looked gorgeous. But this was the pre digital era. I had no way to take photos. So it went unrecorded. Just a memory. In my 20s and early 30s I spent years denying my feminine desires to myself. And when I couldn't deny them anymore, instead of a good looking lad who could easily become a pretty girl, I was a very overweight man approaching middle age, and unable to look pretty or even feminine as a girl. At least that's how I perceived it. And in those moments I felt a longing and a pain that was almost unbearable. And thoughts of not being alive did enter my mind. In the end I reached a point where I could give up or try to reclaim a femme expression in my life, and I'm pleased to say that I have enjoyed being femme again, and fully documented and recorded the experience this time around. I'm now in my early 60s and looking continuing to enjoy my femininity. You can find your own happiness in the moment as Lotte and make the most of being femme. Nikki can serve as an inspiration, but you can create your own feminine beauty as Lotte.
ReplyDeleteDee xxx
Thanks for posting this reply Dee, very kind of you to share your story, it is very helpful. Like you say Nikki can serves as an inspiration, but I can indeed create my own feminine beauty as Lotte.
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