Growing My Hair Long: When Self-Expression Conflicts

I’ve always wanted this blog to be a space where I can write down my thoughts and feelings, a place to process and share what’s on my mind. And today, that’s exactly what I’m doing. What I’m writing about is something personal, something I’ve been grappling with for a while, gender dysphoria, self-expression, and the tension that exists between who I am and how I’m perceived. So, with that in mind, here’s a moment that’s currently weighing on me.

I was sitting on the sofa just before bed last night, lost in thought, when my wife asked from across the room, “Are you getting your haircut for Christmas?”

It was the question I had both been expecting and dreading, one of those small moments that, though seemingly innocent, always carries more weight than it first appears. Looking over at her, I knew that my answer wouldn’t be the end of the conversation. It never is. I paused, took a breath, and responded, “No.”

Her response was swift: “You're not growing it long again, are you? It was messy last time.”

The tension in her voice was subtle, but I felt it all the same. I understood her concerns, messy is one way to describe the way I looked when my hair was longer. And I also knew, as I often do in these moments, that my response would be met with pushback. But I also knew I couldn't back down. This wasn’t just about hair, it never is. It’s about something deeper, something that stretches back years of quietly wrestling with my identity.

Wanting to avoid an argument, I gave the answer I always give: “Let’s talk about it another time,” and retreated to the kitchen. The conversation ended there, at least for now, but I know it won't stay buried for long.

This morning, on my way to work, I called my sister to talk through the conversation from the night before. She listened patiently and then offered her thoughts, one of which was that I was trying to have my cake and eat it too. She pointed out that, in many ways, I’ve already received my wife’s acceptance on a lot of the changes I’ve made so far, and she asked how I’d feel if my wife suddenly came to me and said she wanted to adopt a short, traditionally male hairstyle.

It’s a valid point. I had to pause and agree with her. Would I be okay with that? Would I feel comfortable, or would I feel like my wife was rejecting an important part of who I am? The question made me wonder if I was being selfish, but, as is often the case with gender dysphoria, things aren’t as simple as they may appear on the surface. The truth is, this is a much more complex issue than any of us can fully understand.

Gender dysphoria is a powerful force. It’s not just a matter of wanting something superficial like long hair, it’s about something deeper, a sense of disconnection between who I am inside and how the world sees me. It pulls me into a space where I often feel like I need to prioritise my own internal needs and self-expression. And sometimes, that need feels so urgent that it’s hard to view my relationship with my wife in the same light. I find myself questioning: does that make me selfish?

After all, I’m only human, and navigating these feelings, this ongoing internal struggle, is overwhelming at times. I’m not asking for permission to be me, but it sure feels like a balancing act between honouring my own truth and maintaining the love and understanding I share with my wife.

I know this won't be the last time we talk about this. And while I deeply understand my wife's concerns, her hesitation, her fears, her desire for things to remain the way they've always been, this is a path I can't turn away from. My gender dysphoria, my need to align my outside with my inside, is too strong to ignore. I want a feminine hairstyle, not because it's a trend or a passing fancy, but because it feels like a step toward becoming the person I’ve always known I am.

So, while I’m open to continuing the conversation, I’m not backing down on this. I need to grow into the person I truly am, even if that means facing discomfort along the way. This isn’t just about hair, it’s about honouring myself, and I can’t let that go. It’s a difficult balance, but it’s one I have to find, one step at a time.

Lotte x